When do you finally let it go? When do you get to a point where you realize that it is not, and will never be, worth it? When do you stop letting his issues become your issues, and stop going out of your way for someone who’s only IN your way?
These are the questions that I am asking myself. This is the point of my life that I have reached. I am genuinely and utterly tired of myself and my actions.
For far too long, I have held on to things by a thread. I have tried so hard to put pieces together of things that were better off broken. I wanted desperately to work things out, and to find what I had always been looking for. It was as if I knew what I deserved, but rather than wait on it to come to me I would try to force it out of someone. And no matter how strong my efforts were, no matter how many times my attempts failed, I kept trying anyway. Stopping wasn’t making sense to me because I felt so close, and this false sense of hope kept me in the same position. I found myself stuck; proclaiming that I was leaving the past behind me, yet still finding ways to be around just in case things worked in my favor.
What’s wild about this is that it wasn’t like I didn’t know better. I had more than enough sense to know that this situation was set up for nothing but destruction. I had plenty of friends who would check me constantly for my actions and behavior. All the signs were in my face, and all the signals had been flashing. But one of the curses of being a powerful woman is that I am powerful enough to fight forces against me, even those that are trying to stir me in the right direction. And I’ve fought, and fought, and fought some more, all for the sake of saying that I haven’t lost yet.
I’ve been hurt more times than I can remember, and 75% of it was no one’s fault but my own. I was the one who kept going back. I was the one who kept putting myself in awkward situations. I kept texting him, kept holding long conversations, kept being there for him instead of taking care of myself. That’s why it was so hard for me to realize the error of my ways; it was ME who kept making them, and not so much him.
What hurts most about this is the excuses I made for staying around. “Maybe he just doesn’t see how good I am; let me show him again. I’m too close to give up now; let me try harder. I don’t want to do this with anyone else; he has to be able to see what this could be.” With every excuse, with every sentence of failed logic, I diminished myself and my worth. I had reduced myself so much with my actions all for the sake of trying to prove myself to someone else. I did this daily, and for far too many days.
As women, we have the habit of loving people more than they deserve, and seeing people more for what they can be rather than who they are. We will run ourselves dry in order to fill another. I was constantly doing this time and time again, until I looked in the mirror and saw the truth: my efforts did not produce positive results, they did not benefit me, and they left me looking, for lack of a better word, stupid. No matter how bad I wanted my situation to work out, I was only digging a bigger hole for myself by continuing to stick around. I had to do better. I had to save myself first.
I’m disappointed in myself that it took this long to make the realization, and I write this in the hope that someone reads this before it’s too late for them. When benefiting someone else does not benefit you in return, it is time. When you are not reaping the fruits of your labor, it is time. When everyone around you has told you on multiple occasions that this is not something that you want to continue to engage in, it is time for you to listen. The time you can save trying to love someone who isn’t capable of loving you back is essential. The energy you are draining from yourself to give to another, is energy that you need. Everything I needed for myself, I kept giving to someone else and got nothing in return. The most valuable thing that I have from the experience is this post; and while I’m happy I have this, that wasn’t all that I was looking for.
I’m tired of myself, and now that I’ve reached this point I am more focused than ever to pour into myself. I’ve neglected too many areas of my life because I’m been trying so hard to be in someone else’s. I deserve more than trying to convince someone to get on the winning team. I’m far better than that. I’m far more deserving than that. I just hate that it took myself getting tired to finally understand that.