You all have been watching too many episodes of Real Housewives of WhateverInTheWorld. Love and Hip-Hop has too many of you trying to replicate what you THINK is real into your own lives.
These grimy looking memes that have been screenshotted a time too many showing pictures of celebrities who I know for a FACT didn’t say the words on them, nor would they use so many “100” emojis, have gotten to your heads.
In short, you want your boyfriend to be your husband. You want the guy you’re dating to be your provider. You want someone who just got to a place where he can make his own decisions to be able to decide that he wants you in his life forever. But the thing is, this reality tv thing that you want so bad has years of deleted scenes and only shows you the really good ones. You’re trying to turn them into your own personal fairy tale at the age of 19, and that is why you are mad.
Your husband will be a man, and I just said a lot in this sentence. A lot of you all are dating guys who are on the road to becoming men, but you aren’t dating a 100% man yet. Men are paying their own bills, living in their own places, with established careers and side hustles. They have the resources, the experience and the time to fall in love with, invest and provide for you. This is because they have done enough personal growth in areas of their life on their own to find someone who perfectly matches them. This is a fundamental difference.
Your BOYFRIEND, however, is not done growing and this is not at all a bad thing. You have probably met him between the ages of 18-23. He’s either getting ready to go to school, still in school or leaving school. In other words, he is still in some type of position to get HIS life together, so he cannot completely and solely merge into yours. He is not completely grown, and you are growing with him. He needs to come into himself before he can be everything that a WIFE needs him to be. The problem is that a lot of you are trying to be wives to boyfriends, and are mad when they can’t be your husband.
Your boyfriend turns into your husband; your husband is not your boyfriend. So why are you giving your boyfriend the privileges of a wife as if that will magically turn him into your husband? Women are out here paying bills, submitting and doing everything to men who don’t even know if they REALLY want a girlfriend. It is said that girls mature faster than boys, but that is NOT an excuse to force everlasting commitment onto someone. And sometimes, it’s not that he doesn’t want to give you all that you are asking for. It really is that he just can’t.
And if we are in the business of being honest, you are not in a position to play wifey anyway. Are you not in school? Do you not have a life to get in order? Bills that you are preparing to pay? A hustle to get to? There are so many things you will need to make a vow to before you get a husband, and one of them is yourself. Why is it that guys know how to be selfish when it comes to relationships, yet girls have an issue with it? If a guy sees that a relationship is not working for him or that he isn’t in the place to be in one, he will leave. But if a girl sees that the guy is not ready for a relationship, she will give herself away in order to convince him that he is. And if I recall, giving yourself away is something that a BRIDE does. Not a girlfriend. Not a girl he’s talking to. Not a side chick. Not someone who is afraid of lonely. But, a bride. You have given yourself away to a guy who knows he’s not ready to have all of you. Who is to blame for that?
We are obsessed with Steph and Ayesha Curry’s relationship. We all have chosen them as goals and want relationships just like theirs. But we are forgetting that they are grown. That they were once our age, and that Ayesha couldn’t even date in high school so they had to be friends. We are forgetting that they dated all during college, and THEN got married. They weren’t in the public eye during their growth, so all we are seeing is they glory. It takes growth in order to get to glory, and some of you are trying too hard to skip those steps with a guy who needs all the direction he can get.
There is no easy fix for this epidemic. But I encourage you to grow with a guy who is willing to have you there, rather than try to raise him. Stop forcing commitment; let it be offered. Understand that just like you need time to grow, he does as well. And growth comes with time. If that is what he needs, give it to him. Trust the process, but don’t rush the process!