I’ve been trying to write a post for the past few days now. I’ve tried to get in the mood to do one, to force words to come out and onto my screen. I would write something, and then reread it only to find that it sounded forced. I could read myself trying to make words and trying to convey messages that I wasn’t really feeling. So I would stop, and continue on with my day with the hope of coming back to it later. And I would repeat the process, still writing without much of anything to say.
I realized that this was a metaphor for how I have been doing my life lately: forcing things and trying to get organic results, rather than allowing the best to come naturally. My patience was slipping and I felt that I needed to take matters into my own hands, rather than wait for answers and direction. And because of this, I would end up looking back and seeing that all of this forced energy had produced nothing but…nothing.
I was putting my energy into people who didn’t want all of the responsibility that comes with being in my life. And rather than walking away and letting nature take its course, I felt obligated to continue to try. To still be around. To entertain the meaningless, with the hope that something, ANYthing could come out of it. It was as if I was trying to force meaningful words out of people, when they were not in the mood, position or desire to give them to me. You can’t make a desert produce water, no matter how thirsty you are and no matter how much you try to convince it to do so.
But, why was I doing this? In pure honesty, I was tired of waiting on what I deserved. I felt that I was doing everything right, and that I was more than deserving of the best from people. The best love, care, attention and commitment should be mine. But I was so tired of twiddling my thumbs and hearing people say “Your time is coming. One day, you will have what you deserve. You’ll see.” Those are all nice things to say, but it honestly doesn’t change the fact that it sucks to wait on what you really want. So in my stubbornness and impatience, I would try to force what I deserved out of people who didn’t deserve me for the simple reason that I was tired of waiting. I would tell myself “Surely, this is the one. What I’m waiting for is right here, it just has to be revealed.” And I would stay. And convince. And push.
But, here’s what I missed: forcing what you deserve from something that doesn’t deserve you does not work because it isn’t built to give you that. You can’t pull treasure out of an empty hole, no matter how bad you want it to be there. You are wearing yourself out. You are wasting your time. You are draining yourself in order to fill someone else with reasons to give you what you need. I was playing backwards and was wondering why I wasn’t moving forward. Because after all of that force, out of all of that pressure that I placed toward situations, what did I get? Nothing, but a headache and frustration that I could place on no one but myself.
There will be times when you get frustrated. You will get tired of smiling and nodding to people who say you will get the person or the situation you deserve “one day”. You will want to scream when you hear the words “in due time” because you feel as if time already owes you tremendously. You will have your days, like I have had mine. But in these days, do not fall. Take a minute, sit down and breathe. Release these feelings and then, keep going. The more you let them sit is the more time they have to foster into meaningless actions. This is what I was doing: do not pull a me. It gets hard. And it gets old. But you have more tomorrows than you do yesterdays; let this motivate you to keep going.
The best things in life come naturally and feel comfortable. If you feel yourself uncomfortable, and as if you are fighting against something in order to gain something, you may not need it and it probably isn’t worth it. This is hard to deal with, and I know I personally get so impatient. But, I do not want to look back and have nothing after all my efforts. I would rather have something that I didn’t have to convince someone that I deserved. That is where the best comes from, and that is all that I desire.