You Played Yourself: Why You Can’t Fully Blame Him

The man you hate so much because he did not date you is not the person you need to be upset with. 

He told you in the beginning. He told you at the end. He told you at various points during the situation that he did not want to build with you. “I mean, I think you real cool. But I just don’t want a relationship right now.”  You have the text messages to prove it. You have the vague answers to “What are we?” to prove it. And what did you do? You stayed anyway. You had sex with him anyway. You told your friends about him anyway. You tweeted the Tink and Beyoncé lyrics anyway. You tried to show him that you deserve the title and commitment anyway. And then you blamed him when you failed. You literally failed an open-book test where you were given all of the answers because you didn’t have the sense to review your notes. 

Let’s not ask why he did what he did. Let’s explore why you did what you did. You will change your draws, change you career and change the world before you will change the mind of a man. We should know this by now. It has been said time and time and time again. Yet, you thought you were special. Which you are, of course. But special doesn’t matter as much to a man who isn’t ready for special. The fact of the matter is that he isn’t tying to build and grow with you. You can stick around. You can drain yourself and give all of you to him as long as you want to. But he didn’t ask you for that, nor did he ask you to do the same in return. So you decided that instead of listening to him the first time, or the second, or the third, that you would stick around until his eyes opened wide enough to see what he had in front of him. But the gag is: he already saw. And he appreciates the vision; he just doesn’t want to be apart of it. 

Oh sure. “If he knew this, why didn’t he leave me alone? Why didn’t he stop having sex with me? Why did he string me along?” Well, for one, because you wouldn’t leave him alone. You actually took him up on his offer to try and be friends knowing good and well that being friends in situations like this rarely goes well. He didn’t stop having sex with you because it’s SEX. He isn’t dating you, claiming you or showing you off and you’re laying there anyway. And he didn’t string you along; you just followed him. No one asked you to come along. 

This is not an “all men get out of jail free” post. This is a “while you are trying to put men in jail, you may need to be in there yourself” post. Self-inflicted injuries are the worst kind because you literally can’t blame anyone else and can barely understand why you did it. But, just like so many other things, admittance is the first step. You have hurt yourself, sis. As soon as you can admit that you have, you can stop. A man saying that he doesn’t want a relationship with you does not mean that you are not worthy of a relationship. It simply means that this is not the man that you will be getting it from. Stop belittling yourself to get one out of him. The man meant to give it to you, will give it to you without being convinced. 

Do not sell yourself short and then be mad at a man who still didn’t take you up on the offer. You are worth more than offering yourself as a brochure. Do not let your fear of lonely deter you from continuing on with your life. You are worth the wait, and this is something you need to remind yourself of. You are worth waiting on someone who wants to give you the world, rather than trying to convince someone to do it. And the day that you realize and fully understand this, is the day that truly makes all of the difference, no matter what he decides to do. 

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