Private Party: I found Solace In Myself

   Shared my body with you but i…I can’t pick your face out of a crowd. Because I picked your name out of a line up. Call logs full of area codes I’ll never visit again. I’m not ashamed. Needs are made to be met. 
All too often men are praised for their conquests and us women are shamed for ours. So I’m here to tell tales and put away myths. Baby boys, I did it just like you…maybe better. I had a rotation , I never let them over lap and I for sure never let it slip. Never picked a man that was in the same circle as any other. Never kept a man if he wasn’t a good lover. And when things got old, I went ghost.

Am I proud of this? I mean it’s not a NobelPrize or anything , but I know how it happened. I got tired of being apart of someone’s rotation and I got tired of feeling like I was being used. I became the user. I got tired of fake love and half ass connections. I wanted love but all I could get was sex so I substituted one for the other for as long as I could. A warm body is better than a cold pillow any day right? I’m here to tell you that it’s not. A warm body whose temperature only rises for you when your clothes are off is not what you need. If the only time you’re connected is when his arms are interlocked with your legs, you’re farther apart than you think. 

In my head something was always better than nothing. After awhile, it didn’t feel good any more. No part of it. I didn’t want to lay down just to get right back up feeling the same type of alone. I didn’t want to spend nights with my demons anymore. I didn’t want to share myself with these strangers any more. I call them strangers because , I don’t know them anymore, i don’t want to. I could have called them friends or even ex’s but the best part about letting go and moving forward is that I can choose what I want to hold onto. I’m erasing faces, deleting numbers, and names. I’m leaving the moments in the places where they ended and pray they no longer haunt me. 

I love myself a little more each day, I realize my purpose is not solely to find love. Each day I grow stronger, smile more , walk bolder because I love me. I make me feel good. Happy weight and all. 

Loving yourself is a process, but if you take anything from me, You do not have to ruin yourself first. You don’t have to hit rock bottom , you dont have to wait for things to get worse before they get better. I’m not sure what wise person said this but If you do not love yourself it shows and no one else will want to or even try to do it for you. Any person who tries will fail, because you’re in your own way. 

Do not let any one into your space , until you are comfortable being there. 

To any man I loved and lost , I’m comfortable in my space now. You can look for me, but that old girl will be hard to find. She is somewhere loving herself and it’s a private party. 

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