The only emotions I know how to express are anger and joy. Today, I am angry. And I am expressing it on this wack ass piece of paper only, and simply only, because I don’t want to hear anything from Dr. Julie about me not doing it. SO WHEN YOU READ THIS DR. JULIE, KNOW THAT I’M ONLY DOING IT FOR YOU. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW WRITING DOWN EVERY TIME I FEEL SOMETHING IS GOING TO HELP ME OUT, BUT WHATEVER. HERE YOU GO. Fuck. This is so stupid. I still feel pissed. All these words later and all this is doing is making me feel worse than the actual situation.
I am still mad about the thing we talk about every time I see you. He did it again. Thomas. He fucking did it again just like everybody told me that he would. I don’t know the girl’s name. But Anna was in the library with Tony and Tony told her that she and WhoEverTheFuckThisGirlIs are close, and that Tony was told by WhoEverTheFuckThisGirlIs that her and Thomas are dating now. So Anna told me. And I’m pissed. Because he did it again. Put someone else over me for the God knows what number time. You told me not to jump to conclusions about things until and unless I hear it from the actual source but I’m just letting you know that I didn’t jump I walked this time and based on what I know about Thomas, this is probably true. I already told you I don’t put shit past nobody and I’m def not putting shit past him anymore because I did that already and now I’m here. Looking stupid as fuck, writing on a damn piece of paper about some shit that I can’t talk to you about until Thursday and its Monday. I already know that you’re going to ask me to “expand and describe” my feelings when I see you so I’m gonna stop this thing here. See you then.
I see you tomorrow but I’m going to try this again because writing things down seems to mean that I don’t have to talk as much during the sessions and I hate talking. It’s not you. It’s just that I don’t verbalize anything that I feel. Anything ever. We went through this during week one. I think you believe me now.
I keep thinking about when I said don’t care about Thomas and how you asked me if I don’t care then why do I keep bringing him up in our session. I told you that I didn’t know and I still don’t quite know but I think its because part of me DOES care. The other part of me just wants to figure out what I did wrong so that I don’t have to do it again. Like where was my misstep. I thought I was doing great at this dating and being a person thing and then all a sudden my boyfriend wasn’t my boyfriend anymore. And he didn’t even tell me that he didn’t want to be anymore, I had to have someone else show me first.
I should’ve left him the first time but when he asked for me back I felt like maybe that was when I needed to prove myself. Like, I am the best option. Me. Not Audre, who it was the first time, or Mya from the second time or anybody who came between Mya and now WhoEverTheFuckThisGirlIs. Me. If I stick with this long enough, eventually it will be me. He’ll see that its me.
You asked me too much about my last entry or whatever so I’m done writing shit in here for a while.
At first I thought WhoEverTheFuckSheIs wasn’t even really a real person but she is real. I was walking to my car and I saw walking into one of the dorms and she came and let him in. She has curly hair. Not my kind of curly. I have more kinky, Erykah Badu hair that looks like a cloud around my head. She has Jordin Sparks hair and that’s the kind of shit that flounces around like fucking silk at the slightest move and that’s exactly what it did when she came down the stairs to get Thomas. She’s short too. She gave him a hug before they went up. Not one of those side hugs you give to people who you see when you’re walking to class, but one of the ones when she wrapped her arms around his neck and floats a little bit off the ground because he picks her up and sways her. I know it because I was her once, except my hair didn’t flow in wind. It just stayed put and he would pat it once he put me down.
I’m not sure exactly what they went upstairs to go do but I’m sure they’re fucking. The only reason I’m writing this down now is because I’m too embarrassed to say how I bent down and spent like two whole minutes pretending to tie my shoe like a fucking idiot waiting to see who was going to let Thomas in. As IF he’s my man. He hasn’t been my man for a week now. He’s SilkyHair’s now. She looks like her name is Sania.
Turns out SilkyHair/Sania is in my History class. And has probably been in it all semester. I was sitting in the lecture hall taking notes and someone sneezed and then two people said, “Bless You.” One was Kyle sitting next to me. The other was a girl who was two rows ahead of me and had turned all the way around to say thank you to whoever sneezed. And it was fucking Jordin Sparks hair girl. I thought she was cute when I saw her at the door; she’s fucking gorgeous up close. Like the type of gorgeous that made me go from whispering with Kyle about plans for a friendly-Valentine’s day to shutting the fuck up. THAT kind of pretty. She never speaks in class though, so she’s probably dumb. At least I’m smarter than her.
For clarity for when you read this, friendly-Valentine’s Day is when Kyle and I buy each other gifts if we’re both single as fuck, then eat the candy and watch movies all night and say that the next year we won’t do it because we’ll have actual people to buy gifts for by that time.
We started it five years ago and we’ve done it five times. I’m sure you understand what that means, huh?
First of all, I’m glad you get some chuckles and giggles out of these notes. I know you don’t laugh at my pain or anything but I’m glad you think I write with a sense of humor. Thanks, Dr. Julie.
Second, to answer your question from earlier I don’t see myself dating Kyle for the simple fact that Kyle and I have tried to date before. Twice. And the answer is no. We end up on a date or two or ten, and then we get close to saying something we’ve never said before. Saying “I really like you and you make me feel safe” to Kyle just doesn’t seem right. I feel better saying “Hey, remember that time in the 5th grade when I ripped my pants coming down a slide and DeShawn Jones started laughing and called me a child? And you told him to shut up because he pants were so tight they were gonna rip with his next step and he ain’t even need no slide? You got detention for that. I appreciate you.”
And that’s how it goes. We try it but never go all the way. Well, not emotionally. Physically we have gone all the way… I’m too grown to say “All The Way”. We had sex, Dr. Julie. Like four times. Always consensual, always wanted. Never planned, and never discussed after. Kind of like any feelings. I went all the way emotionally with Thomas though. And you see what happened so I’m probably never going all the way all over again.
When my History professor notices that a lot of people aren’t coming to class he does roll call. He’ll call your name and then he’ll look for you to raise your hand and say “ ________ is present.” For example, today the professor said “Raven Bryant.” and Raven, formerly known as WhoEverTheFuckSheIs but also known as Jordin Sparks/Silky Hair raised her hand and said “Raven Bryant is present.”
Her name is Raven. She’s pretty as shit and her name is fucking Raven. Raven Bryant. Thomas Mathews, who was formerly dating Gabrielle Renee Jackson, is now currently fucking Raven Bryant. She’s going to be Raven Mathews and 15 Valentine’s Days from now I’ll still be Gabrielle Renee Jackson and my cat will be Jupiter Jackson and I’ll still be giving Kyle Sanders a $5 DVD and some candy, thinking about what would happen if we would stop fucking and start talking. If God exists, He put my life on Do Not Disturb.
During our last session you asked me to name things that I did and did not like about Thomas. I don’t like things about Thomas; I love things about Thomas. I love his smile, his height, the way he always wore my favorite when he knew we would be together. I love how he wants to be a doctor. I love how whenever I had a test he would always be sure to send me a text right before. He cared about me. He met my parents and they love him. He told me he loved me first and then he told everyone he loved me. And because he loved me, I tried to love everything about him.
There were only two things that I didn’t like. One was the fact that he wasn’t consistent. He would love me to death some days and then other days he would chose the boys over me. The game over me. His time over our time. And he would do this on a regular Tuesday, so who knows what would happen if we argued? I didn’t argue with him because I didn’t want to chance him leaving.
Which leads me to the second thing I don’t like about Thomas: he loves me using his favorite conjunction. He loved me, BUT he needed to be with his boys every weekend to ease his mind. He loved me, BUT the new Js were limited edition so he would combine my Christmas and birthday presents…for Valentine’s Day. He loved me, BUT he needed his me time so he could relax and not worry about school. And then I found out that he loved me, BUT he was using his me time to fuck and wine and dine other girls, and now he might not even love me anymore BUT he certainly loved fucking Raven Bryant.
Out of nowhere I just started crying. I’m done writing. Have fun with this one, Dr. Julie.
I’m sorry for cancelling our session today. I have a test tomorrow that I half studied for. I half studied because while I was in the library trying to whole study Thomas Mathews and Raven Bryant walked in together. She had headphones on and looked at her phone. He looked at me and pretended he didn’t. Everyone else looked at them, and then looked at me. I looked at my books, and then left.
I keep crying. I cried with myself. I cried in front of Kyle. You told me to sit in my pain. I told you I can only describe anger so I can’t tell you what this feels like but just know it hurts. It really fucking hurts and I don’t want to feel it anymore.
I told you about how my parents divorced but I never told you about how my mom tried to get him back. She waited and hung around and tried to be his friend long enough for him to fall back in love. She ended up being his friend long enough to receive a wedding invitation when he decided to marry Nadia. I was a bridesmaid so I saw my mom’s face watching the entire ceremony and for me to one day make that face is my biggest fear. I’m sure that’ll help you figure me out a bit more.
Raven is a business major who formerly interned with the university’s financial department. She works part time at Starbucks. Not in the store but the regional office. She’s currently looking for employment opportunities in the East Coast. I found this out from her Linked In.
When I saw you I told you that I had given Kyle his $5 DVDs and his candy, and he had given me my candy and my magazines. We were planning on watching movies later on that night. But that’s not what happened.
Kyle showed back up at my house and told me that he loved me. He said that he was tired of being my friend and only my friend, and that he was tired of seeing my waste my time to people who didn’t love me enough. He told me that he loved me more than enough, more than he could bare and even if that wasn’t enough he would do his best to love me even more. And then he gave me a whole Valentine’s Day basket with more Valentine’s Day magazines, and more candy, and a gold necklace with my name on it. And I looked at him and I started crying because it was sweet but I was also wasn’t sure if I loved him enough too. And he kissed me. And then we started having sex. And then I get a knock on my door and I open it half naked with my necklace on and Thomas Mathews is there with a basket full of enough things to make up for all of the Valentine’s Days and Christmas and my birthdays. And a balloon that says “I still love you.” And I stood there half naked with my new gold necklace on and Kyle laying in the bed behind me, and we all just stared at each other. Thomas said something to Kyle that I can’t remember, but I do know that Kyle responded with “It’s too late.” Thomas asked me was it over. I was silent. Then I took the basket, picked up a bobby pin and popped the balloon. I told him that that should be more than enough of an answer. And then Thomas’ face looked like my mother’s face at my father’s wedding. I just woke up next to Kyle, and he looks different than he’s ever looked. Like…better. Thomas has called me five times; I only answered once so that I could hang up in his face.
Dr. Julie, I’m not sure if this was what you meant when you said I would write down everything, reread it and be able to see exactly what I needed to do. But I just reread all of this and I understand now. You always ask me what my thoughts are; but, what are yours?